by Belphegor the Magnificient, Patriarch of Constantinople
a revenge story that is most interesting
The thousands of ramblings and incoherent readings of Professor Ponder I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. But you, who so well know the nature of my soul shall not suppose the punishment imposed was not equal to the crime, to which the reader is now pointed.
On a certain day before Thanksgiving Break, Dr. Ponder ceased his muddlings in philosophy to speak of my faith, held most dear, of Eris, goddess of discord, whose most sacred day is Friday. Ponder referred, in a class that was to be held in less seriousness than the rest of the semester, that Discordianism is a joke religion.
He held the story of Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Ravenhurst, who beheld Eris with whom they spoke in 1958 in a bowling alley, to be a mockery of the idea of prophets. He proposed that the Original Snub, by which our great goddess accidentally caused the Trojan War (the beginning event of Western Civilization), after being snubbed by Zeus, was to mock the apparent human need to have a mythic event spark the rise of civilization. He mocked Discordian rituals as “clinging to religious absurdity in ritual” purely for its own sake, and that Discordians did not hold any spiritual values but humor.
At length I set out to demonstrate the Discordians have nothing but sincerity in their faith, and possess no humor. The plan described is example of the high Discordian principle call a “jake”. It a method by which, by spreading nothing but mass confusion, revenge can be extracted. The following actions were performed:
Waiting patiently outside the international student office, I paid five dollars to any student willing to write a letter to a fake public official in their native language and script, place them in an envelope to be mailed to a fake address in their country. After receiving five of these letters, I wrote Professor Ponder’s address as the return address, and sent them to a post office box without stamps.
Spying an old halloween pumpkin close to Kum and Go I absconded with it, plastered a picture of his face on it, place two cans of tuna fish inside, drenched the whole thing in animal fat, and set this pumpkin effigy on fire. After said fire was extinguished, I beat it with an aluminum baseball bat. The entire event was recorded. Artistic rendition of the video tape was posted on You Tube, and a link to “Burning Pumpkin Effigy” was posted on his blackboard site. Not only was the initial flame burst recorded, my video camera was left on to capture stray animals devouring the pumpkin innards.
At approximately 11:23, a threatening phone call was made at his house, with an “officer” swearing he knew the location of Mia Kid, a suspected fugitive. What Ponder himself failed to suspect was that Mia Kid is an approximate anagram for “I am dick.”
Two students waited outside his office, having a fake disagreement over whether Sartre or Camus should be considered the most important literary existentialist. As soon as he attempted to voice his said view of this subject, the students abruptly stopped all conversation and left
A copy of the Principia Discordia was placed by his office door. Inside lay a note reading “As opposed to any blather you may hear about Constantinople from They Might Be Giants, you can still write letters there, provided you address them to the Patriarch of Constantinople. Signed, Belphegor the Magnificient.
After break I relish seeing his reaction.
Hail Eris!!!!!
P.S. I just want to remind you that you are a pope regardless of what anyone says but me.
