Monthly Archives: April 2009

Welker Has Left the Campus

Feature by | Matt Welker

[Editor’s note: This was e-mailed to us at the last minute, so we didn’t have time to include it in our print addition. However, here it is, digital and delicious. Also, Matt’s accompanying e-mail read: “I implore you to print this. It is my final piece for you ever.” We hope not.]

For the first time in life I can listen to Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” righteously. Call it premature, like a sixteen-year-old’s emissions, if you must. I am technically a student for another week or two. You call it that, I’ll call you a cocksucker… bad start and weird vibes this Kirksvillian April. For all of you non-graduating folks, let me tell you: every beer tastes better as the 9th of May approaches. Even Hamm’s. Especially Hamm’s. Cigarettes light up like Christmas trees, rain falls golden in unperverted ways, and every book is regaining its magic and majesticity. That’s the third word I’ve made up, and it tastes… good. Even the phrase “perpetual unemployment” rolls around the tongue like a first kiss in a dark closet.

I am writing this for you, the not-yet-graduated. Continue reading


Filed under Features

From the Editors: Happy Birthday to The Monitor!

Golly Gee! Can you believe it? It’s actually been fifteen years!

Fifteen years of news, opinions, features, humor, reviews, comics, poetry, art, and all sorts of general absurdity.

The Monitor was founded way back in April 1995 by a group of students interested in creating a forum for community discussion. The mission was simple: anyone could submit whatever they wanted, and the humble staff would publish it. No editorial control, just a place for anyone to have their voice heard.

Over the years, a bit more humor snuck in, but The Monitor’s purpose remains the same.

It’s been a strange couple of years here at the paper. After sporadic publication in the final months of 2006, we stopped publishing completely for the entirety of 2007 as old editors graduated.

About a year ago, in a flurry of nostalgia, a few of us decided to get The Monitor up and running again. We ran into some financial trouble early in 2009, but should be up and running full force for the next school year, thanks to a great new editorial staff.

Speaking of which, that’s where you come in. Continue reading


Filed under From the Editors

News in Briefs

News compiled by | Charlotte Keenan

Rudolph had it easy – Researchers in South Korea created the world’s first glow-in-the-dark puppy. Her name is Ruppy, and she’s the first transgenic puppy, meaning she was created using cloned cells, including a red fluorescent gene produced by sea anemones.

This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps – Swiss voters have agreed to ban naked hiking in the Alps, spurred by the appearance of dozens of mostly German nudists wandering through the Swiss heartland. “The reactions of the population have shown that such appearances over a large area are perceived as thoroughly disturbing and irritating,” according to a government statement. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under News

Twilight of the Compact Disc

Opinion by | Harry Burson

A few weeks ago on Gawker Media’s “Idolator”, one of their intrepid bloggers briefly took a respite from following their RSS feed to take a trip to his local Borders as it liquidated its CD department. A follow-up to a visit to Circuit City’s liquidation back in December (This American Life coincidentally covered the same story the same week with “Scenes from a Recession“).

I found both of the posts very entertaining, maybe because I work at a , albeit one with more reasonable prices. Perhaps because much of our rural clientele does not have an Internet connection, we have yet to make considerable cuts to our CD department. Although, I’m certain I sell two or three times as many books, DVDs, and video games as I do CDs every shift. The only problem is few of those sales are going to the youngsters we are aggressively targeting. Mostly I sell country, metal, and some top 40 hip hop, very little rock beyond Nickelback. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Opinions

Al-Qaeda Takes Credit For Campus Graffiti

News by | Franklin Cline

In a shocking videotape mailed to The Monitor News Staff early last week, Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden claimed full credit for the anti-establishment graffiti that littered Truman State University’s campus on the weekend of April 4.

In the video, presumably recorded in one of his many underground Afghani hideouts, bin Laden celebrates the attack on the university’s scholarly aesthetic and claims that is “yet another in an ongoing series of victories for the total abolishment of the American way, or, as I like to call it, the Dumberican way.”

He also defends what many Truman students viewed as empty rhetoric, stating that “if you didn’t understand the messages, or thought that they were too simple, you are totally underthinking them.”  He directly referenced the Kirk Building graffiti which read “if you don’t rebel, don’t complain,” stating that his life has been one of rebellion and consequently that he has nothing to complain about.  He then paused to ask noted Al-Qaeda commander Ayman al-Zwahiri to please not defecate in the corner of his cave. Continue reading


Filed under News

Why I Hate the Words ‘Emo’ and ‘Angst’

Opinion by| James Ginns

I know I’m a few years older than most Truman students. I went to high school when “emo” had a completely different meaning than it does now. It referred to a much different type of music, and liking what was called emo pretty much demonstrated your indie rock credentials and not much else. Then somewhere, I think 2004 or 2005, the words “emo” were in everyone’s mouths and it meant something decidedly different an for the worse. How did this happen?. In the words of the late George Carlin, “I was not consulted; I didn’t get an email; I didn’t get a fax.” Now being emo meant being a white middle class teenager, perpetually in despair over your lost significant other. And angst was what the emo kid was supposed to feel.

I guess it all would have been fine if it were only applied to such that specific type of person. But no, people started using emo to describe any overt expression of sadness. And that word angst seemed to now apply to the feelings of all teenagers, not just the emotionally struggling. I am aghast at the idea that some pretty bad ass bands (Candlemass, Solitude Aeternus, Christian Death) could now be described as emo-ey because their music is about sorrow. I am even more aghast regarding how ‘emo’ and ‘angst’ completely demean teenagers, as if they more constitutionally incapable of feeling any genuine despair. Continue reading


Filed under Opinions

Missouri’s State Capitol Building and the Dicks Inside of It

Feature by | Pooblius

The Missouri state capitol building was struck by lightning and destroyed beyond repair in 1911.  The one that they built next is still around, and was completed under budget in 1917.  Some people wanted to reallocate the leftover funds to the general budget.  A judge told them that no, all of the money originally budgeted for the capitol building would be spent on the capitol building.  So the Missouri government dudes of that time formed the Capitol Decoration Commission, whose job it was to adorn the new building and surrounding property with artwork.

One of the most famous politicians to come out of Missouri in recent times is John Ashcroft.  Mr. Ashcroft, as Attorney General of the United States in 2001, ordered the covering of the exposed breast on the Spirit of Justice statue in the Great Hall in the U.S. Department of Justice.  Continue reading


Filed under Features