Canada Invades Florida, Calls Americans Godless Whinny-sniffers by Nancy Raygun

When Canadian troops stepped onto the sandy beaches of Florida early Sunday morning, everyone’s fears became a reality.  In lieu of proper defenses, experts believe that Canada will overtake the entire state by the end of the week.  Many Americans have feared this kind of invasion for years now, claiming that former President Obama’s socialist policies would render the USA defenseless to such an attack.

According to Noam Chumpsky, former geologist-turned political agitator, this invasion was precipitated by President Obama’s 2013 budget plan which called for extreme cuts in defense in order to fund fully-inclusive universal healthcare. In a statement issued by Chumpsky on Sunday night, “Obama traded in our guns for health-insurance cards with his Obamacare scheme. When he drafted the budget—nay, probably ever since he seized the Presidential seat back in 2008—he was in cahoots with these thor-worshipping, snub-wubbling canucks.”

After the release of the 2013 budget, spearheaded by Obama and democrat majorities in both houses, most of the nation’s military dissolved. Weapons were sold to overseas parties in an effort to cut the national deficit while bankrolling the universal healthcare program. Most soldiers hired themselves out as mercenaries, many of whom made their way north of the border to Canada.

The Premiere of Canada, its Majesty Judith Buttler, the well-known feminist and war-mongerer has yet to publicly justify the invasion.  In the past, Buttler has published books which ridiculously purport that gender is merely a social construction based on internalized cultural performances. But recently, in a document procured on Wikileaks, Buttler repeatedly refers to Americans as “whinny-sniffers who wouldn’t know a true God from a crab-snatching wonker-doodle…All Hail the Mighty Thor.” Many feel that Buttler is completely out of touch with reality, citing irreducible differences between men and women.

Floridians, however, fear for their nationality and temperate climate. Chumpsky speculates that Buttler plans on detaching Florida from the USA, “probably with like dynamite or something,” and then towing it up to Canada with a fleet of golden, mechanical fish.  He presented the following diagram, saying he just happened to StumbleUpon the secret Canadian plot when questioned on its authenticity.


(Picture of a detached Florida being towed by Goldfish crackers with licorice ropes.   The top of the picture has child-like handwriting that says TOP SECRET PLAN.)


United States President Neil “Fat Neil” Messmore remains hopeful that the national reserves will be able to stave off the Canadians even though they have little more than sticks and stones. In a nationally televised press-conference last night, Fat Neil addressed the American people, attempting to quell fears. “As we speak, the top military officials are trying to plan a battle of the bulge style counter-offensive,  but they have very little to work with.  That willy-cricking Obamarama really screwed the pooch for us.  For those of you brave Floridians valiantly fighting for your lives, I pray that you won’t have to endure the harsh Canadian winters that drive these spooly-hoopkin gibber-gabbers to the shrines of Thor, forever thirsty for human blood. Fight the good fight dear patriots.”

Still, the question looming in everyone’s mind is why? Why has Buttler, who has managed to maintain a strong defense-force alongside universal healthcare programs in Canada, decided to take Florida?  Chumpsky further speculates that Florida, where it currently lays, appears too flaccid and that moving the penisula up the coast will give Buttler “the porkin-dandy hardon she always wanted.” Others say that she is merely appeasing Thor’s taste for the blood of septuagenarian Jews and their migrant Cuban pool-boys.

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Filed under August 2014 issue, Uncategorized

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