DIY education in CoMo

by joey risch

Columbia Freeskool is a FREE, community based alternative to the strict curriculum of state monopolized higher education. Still in its early stages, Freeskool offers a range of events/classes lead by members of the community who submit their ideas for upcoming months at the Freeskool forum held in Como. Freeskool is whatever the members want it to be, and if anyone is willing to teach a skill or host an event, it goes on the calendar.  In addition, if people want to put an event on the calendar, they can email:

 

columbiafreeskool@riseup.net

the food to raise your spirits- how to cook to glow

Food Column by Kevin Weiss

Qualifications: I have been practicing Yoga and meditation for 6 years, have read a few books on ayurveda, but most importantly have paid attention to the effect that food has on my system and can validate the claims made by Ayurveda with my own experience to the extent that I am able to grasp them.

A seeker of Truth once asked a great sage, Ramana Maharishi: “of all scriptural injunctions, which is best to follow?” to which the Maharishi replied, “that of taking modest quantities of sattvic food is best.”

The World Social Forum returns to Africa

editorial by Marc Becker

Fifty thousand activists from around the world descended on Senegal’s capital city of Dakar at the westernmost point in Africa the first week in February for the World Social Forum. Meeting on an almost annual basis since its first gathering in Porto Alegre, Brazil in 2001, the WSF provides a space to discuss and debate proposals and collaborative actions to build a new and better world.

The WSF first met as a response to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. Instead of exclusionary spaces that placed corporate greed over human needs, the WSF championed the daring proposition that indeed another world is possible. The WSF now has a decade of bringing together social movements dedicated to a struggle against neoliberal capitalism and militaristic imperialism, and in favor of constructing a world based on humane fairness and social justice.

Tagryleism: A Comfortable Improv Migration

GO TO THE TAG IMPROV SHOW. 1/21/11, FRIDAY, 7 PM, RYLE HALL LOUNGE.  THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH…..

For more information visit the webpage: http://tagimprov.wordpress.com

Helping Hands

Artwork by Lucas Howland

Queen Astra

your horoscopes, provided by the monitor’s resident soothsayer

Aries

You will have to choose between a shirt that is far too small and a shirt that is far too large, if not today then the next day or the day after.

Taurus

Brooding emotional Taurus, you will get back into that nu-metal band you liked in high school this week. Best of luck.

Gemini

The twins sign, you will soon learn that that bump on the back of your neck is in fact a conjoined twin that only partially ever was. Cool, right?

Cancer

You will undoubtedly regret what you just did.

Leo

Just keep telling yourself that everyone goes through that stage. It might work out, I think.

Virgo

Your future is very cloudy.

Libra

Your sign has something to do with weights. Maybe you should work out or something.

Scorpio

The planets are aligning in your favor. Physically threaten the next person you see to capitalize on your good luck.

Sagittarius

Avoid all foods 7 to 13 letters long. I can’t say why, but trust me on this one.

Capricorn

The symbol of your sign is a goat with a fish tail. That is hilarious.

Aquarius

Google Zeitgeist and watch it.

Pisces

It will be in your best interests to skip class all this week. Honestly, I have a good gut feeling here.

NEW ISSUE!

We’ve had this amazing new issue on our hands for a while now, but we haven’t had the cash to print it.  Since it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon, we’re putting it out here for your consideration.  You’re familiar with this “news on the internet” concept, right?  Anyway, here are the pdf files.  We will be getting the individual features up in later posts, but we’re pretty proud of the layout design on this one, and we hope that this format will more closely mirror that old-fashioned newspaper-in-your-hands feel.

vol16iss3_page1final

(check out the sweet cover photo by Hannah Hemmelgarn!)

vol16iss3_page2final

(letters to and from the editors)

vol16iss3_page3final

(news about town)

vol16iss3_page4final

(our exclusive interview with Troy Paino)

vol16iss3_page5final

(opinions)

vol16iss3_page6final

vol16iss3_page7final

(a look at Tom Thumbs past and present)

vol16iss3_page8final

(info about fun local opportunities)

vol16iss3_page9final

vol16iss3_page10final

(your creative writing)

vol16iss3_page11final

(comix and Queen Astra)

vol16iss3_page12final

(poetry)

Professor Ponder’s Jake

by Belphegor the Magnificient, Patriarch of Constantinople

a revenge story that is most interesting

The thousands of ramblings and incoherent readings of Professor Ponder I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. But you, who so well know the nature of my soul shall not suppose the punishment imposed was not equal to the crime, to which the reader is now pointed.

On a certain day before Thanksgiving Break, Dr. Ponder ceased his muddlings in philosophy to speak of my faith, held most dear, of Eris, goddess of discord, whose most sacred day is Friday. Ponder referred, in a class that was to be held in less seriousness than the rest of the semester, that Discordianism is a joke religion.

He held the story of Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Ravenhurst, who beheld Eris with whom they spoke in 1958 in a bowling alley, to be a mockery of the idea of prophets. He proposed that the Original Snub, by which our great goddess accidentally caused the Trojan War (the beginning event of Western Civilization), after being snubbed by Zeus, was to mock the apparent human need to have a mythic event spark the rise of civilization. He mocked Discordian rituals as “clinging to religious absurdity in ritual” purely for its own sake, and that Discordians did not hold any spiritual values but humor.

An Empty Day

Short Story by Chris Drew

We relax briefly. A darkened room. She says something, and I retort. There is a strained pause, a sort of misguided reverent illusion hung in the air. I whisper. She inquires. There are words at the back of my throat.

“How long have we been going on like this?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Screw Caribou

Feature by Alexander Clippinger

Screw ‘em. Sorry, Canadian Bambi, but we need oil more than we need you. If you can’t stand the drills, get out of the tundra. I’d move quickly; I think I hear Palin’s chopper coming over the nearest hill.

We really don’t care. Or at least, we shouldn’t. Millions upon millions of people die each year due to lack of food, water, or shelter, or because of hatred and bigotry. Millions upon millions of species have died over the eons; leave it to humans to be the first to care more about the survival of other species than it does about the survival of its own. If hippies put as much effort into ending the violence in Africa as they did attempting to get impotent panda bears to mate, we’d have total world peace by now.

Extinction has happened before, and it’s happening again. Evolution. Natural selection. Just replace the word “natural” with “man-made” and “selection” with “wanton destruction.” The dinosaurs died because they couldn’t learn to live with asteroid fallout. The polar bears will die out because they can’t suck it up enough to swim to the next iceberg. Grow gills or get packin’.

Pioneer Square

essay by Faith Martin

Blue skies streaked across Earth’s ceiling. I looked down to see people of different races, sexes, genders, backgrounds, interest, fashions, and economical classes. They somehow have all flocked together in this one place.

This place I describe is Pioneer Square in Portland, Oregon. Pioneer Square has been considered Portland’s “living room.” It’s directly centered in the middle of Portland, by the city’s courthouse. Made of brick, the square is mainly flat, while bricks towards the edges form miniscule stairs that creep towards Italian ice vendors and hot dog carts. Starbucks, the infamous coffeehouse that brought “coffeehouse culture” to mainstream America, sits on the right side of the square. Their patio is always chockfull of socialite teens, businessmen, and young writers blogging away on their laptops for everyone to see. They stare quietly upon the street performers, hacky-sack enthusiasts, burn-outs, slackers, punks, goths, artists, and homeless citizens that call Pioneer Square their refuge from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Txting

Short Story by Elliot Eastin

The batteries were dead.  It was in the washing machine.  Your carrier dropped the ball and the message was never delivered.  You’ve traveled outside your service area.  Your friends are too lazy to bother returning your texts.

All are possible reasons for miscommunications using cell phones.  Paul was a smart enough kid, and he knew all of these things.  On top of that, he knew it was a well-known fact that you can’t text message break up, but it didn’t stop him from panicking when he got a text from Jennifer saying that it was over.

He and she had been dating for nearly two years, and as far as he knew, things were going very well. He had been sweet and considerate, and, unlike the jocks she could have been going out with, his primary goal was not to simply get into her pants.

She had been hot, but in a very classy way.  And she had more than the rudiments of personality to her, in stark contrast to the girls who could be summed up in a bleached-blond hairdo and semi-gloss lipstick.  They’d met in Geometry.  She’d hated proofs as much as he, and out of that mutual hatred blossomed a compassionate and surprisingly functional relationship.

Until today.

Butterscotch Fitzgerald

Short Story by Bill Fishback

HOUR ONE

I tried to listen to them argue through the door about some shit.  The dude’s voice behind the door was pretty muffled and the only things I could really hear clearly were vocal inflections like “uh” and “um.” We definitely needed a periscope or some sort of fiber optic, microphonic ear device. I also really thought that a pith helmet with a headlamp on top would be pretty helpful.  Eavesdropping is like, way harder these days.

Once the chick he was talking to got real mad, there was some yelling, so I could clearly make out words like “makeout” and “no” and “fuck you.”  I felt that I had a general idea of what they were saying, I think. Then, the door opened when I was leaning in on it. I see the chick walking outside giving me dirty looks and she asked me why I was leaning in listening to the TV.  I didn’t know what to say.

“Hi!”

“Who are you?”

“Uh, want to make out?”

“NO!”

“Fuck you.”

Haiti: Curse or Opportunity

Feature by Mehdi Zaidi

“They [Haitians] got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said we will serve you if you get us free from the French…true story. And so the Devil said ok it’s a deal” uttered Pat Robertson in his nasally tone on The 700 Club, commenting on the recent earthquake in Haiti. Perhaps he received this portent from one of his divinely inspired chats with God, but is more probable that such childish banter is the product of his lunacy. But Pat Robertson is no stranger to such remarks. What is more shocking is that the mainstream media, as well as respected world leaders are in essential agreement with Robertson by faulting the excess of the disastrous earthquake on internal Haitian factors or on the ‘unexplainable mystical curse’. This perception entirely dismisses the complicated history of Haiti – a tragic tale in which critical junctures offset the normal course of economic and political development.

Haiti

Letter to the Editor by Prof. Marc Becker

I returned from Haiti just a couple of days before a powerful earthquake
rocked the country on January 12. I was in Haiti on a solidarity
delegation to document human rights abuses by the United Nations
Stabilization Mission (MINUSTAH) and to observe preparations for
February’s legislative elections. We met with social movement activists
who continue to fight in the face of overwhelming odds to rebuild their
country.

Many people have observed that the Haitian earthquake was more a
political disaster than a natural one. The similarly powerful 1989 Loma
Prieta earthquake in California killed 63 people, while the death toll
in Haiti appears as if it may soar over 100,000. Our experiences in the
country confirmed that the solution to Haiti’s problem is political in
nature.

Two hundred some years ago Haiti was the richest colony in the world,
but today it is the poorest and most unequal country in the Americas. A
successful slave revolt in 1804 defeated the French planter class, but
the only other independent country in the Americas, the United States,
refused to welcome a Black Republic because of the powerful example it
set for marginalized and oppressed people everywhere. The French
demanded a 150 million franc payment from the Haitians for losing their
prized pearl of the Antilles. Haiti made the payment, strangling any
possibility for development, and sacrificing its future so as not to be
seen as an international pariah.

Ertl Admits Steroid Use

News By Franklin Cline
In an exclusive interview with The Monitor, a teary-eyed and emotionally despondent Gerhard Ertl admitted to being under the influence of performance-enhancing drugs, most notably steroids, while conducing his groundbreaking and award-winning research.

The 73-year-old Ertl, who was awarded the 2007 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his studies of chemical processes on solid surfaces, told The Monitor in a telephone interview that “it was time to come clean. However, I truly believe I was given the gift for studying chemical processes on solid surfaces, and only took the steroids for health purposes.”