We’re all familiar with the common complaints surrounding next-gen consoles, and this year is more confusing than ever. With Microsoft, Sony, Sega, and Atari all releasing new machines, consumers are finding it increasingly difficult to decide what to purchase. Common questions include:
-Can I access MY-internet on this console?
-Will tabbed browsing be less confusing?
-How many memory sticks do I need to buy to be prepared for release day?
-Will the Atari 2600 offer cross-compatibility with the Atari Styx?
– How am I going to store all my HD-DVD’s on this thing?
Luckily for those reading, I was granted exclusive access to Sega’s newest console, including a sneak-peak into the future of gaming: voice controls and football games. Turns out, all you have to do is call Sega and ask for a Dreamcast. They were practically begging for me to priority ship one to my house. I rallied up a couple of my friends (roommate and co-worker (I don’t have any friends)) to get some first impressions. You won’t be disappointed. Bruce was disappointed though.
Our first interview is with Bruce. Now, Bruce is not your typical gamer. He’s hardcore, he’s rough, and sometimes he forgets to wear his D-Pants. However, Bruce absolutely hates the Dreamcast, and does not share my BURNING desire to play football games on SDTVs.
Chris: Bruce, could you describe your initial impression of the Dreamcast in one word?
Chris: Really? That single word is rather vague…could you elaborate?
Bruce: The controller is shaped like a boat and there’s only one analog stick.
Chris: Does the shape of boats bother you?
Chris: When you look at boats, boats in general, does the shape of them make you upset?
Bruce: Well I’d say they’re just awkward in general. I want nothing to do with propellers if possible.
Chris: What about smiley-face hash browns? Do anthropomorphic potatoes elicit a similar response?
Bruce: Huh? No. What? I find smiley-face potatoes to be both crispy and fun. Usually I just bite off the mouth and leave the eyes. Sometimes I stencil in ketchup frowny-eyebrows, to create a sort-of demented smiling potato that looks both happy and woefully dejected.
Chris: So it’s safe to say you’d do the same to the Dreamcast controller if it was edible?
Bruce: I’d have to draw on a face and a mouth with ketchup, but yes.
Chris: Alright, moving on. A lot of gamers are raving about Seaman. Basically, it’s a game where you control a man-fish that lives in a private aquarium. The man-fish talks to you and you control it by talking back via a microphone in the controller. What was that experience like?
Bruce: Awkward. My man-fish wasn’t the biggest fan of EDM.
Chris: Electric… dance… music?
Bruce: Truth. I kept asking him what he wanted to listen to, but he kept going on and on about how dubstep is dead and how post-dubstep is the next big thing. Personally I can’t stand James Blake. My brother and my sister don’t speak to me. But I don’t blame them?
Chris: That’s a song by James Blake, right?
Bruce: Yeah, and that’s all my man-fish wanted to listen to. The melody is admittedly catchy, but man-fish refused to eat unless I sang along with him every evening.
Chris: Hmmmm. Did you happen to use the VMU memory card included with the Dreamcast? It’s the first memory card to have a little screen and buttons so you can play pong and snake on the go.
Bruce: Yeah, I used it. Perfect for those football games I’ve been playing.
Chris: I thought you hated football?
Bruce: Oh I do. But on the Dreamcast you can select your plays without the person next to you seeing what it is. The non-backlit screen helps when you’re in the dark, too.
Chris: You played a round against Clay, didn’t you?
Bruce: *laughs, followed by a slow sniffle*. Oh I did, but Clay’s controller wasn’t even plugged in. He spent the whole time button mashing on a Xbox original controller.
Chris: What an idiot.
Bruce: Yeah *sniffle*. It’s pretty OP.
Chris: How would you compare the Dreamcast to the upcoming Xbox One?
Bruce: Xbox doesn’t have Seaman or edible controllers. Microsoft wins. End of story.
Our second interview was with Clay, who recently graduated from Truman State with a degree in Art History. Clay loves the Dreamcast and can’t wait to buy one in September.
Chris: Now tell me Clay, what was your initial impression of the Dreamcast?
Clay: WOW. Where to begin? The graphics mannnn, the graphics…just incredible. It makes the Xbox look like a frickin’ joke.
Chris: So you didn’t find the whole James Blake sing-a-long with man-fish irritating or a deal-breaker?
Clay: Oh, it was definitely a deal-breaker. I’m not going to talk to just any man-fish. I want a man-fish who appreciates good post-dubstep music, like James Blake. In fact, I went as far as to purchase James Blake’s debut album on vinyl.
Chris: You mean old records?
Clay: Well yeah, I really enjoy collecting records.
Chris: What the fuck man. Like the FUCK.
Clay: …..it’s just a small hobby of mine. Just because it isn’t that popular doesn’t mean it’s bizarre.
Chris: No, it’s bizarre. Why on earth would you collect and rant about a technology that died out years ago? For nostalgia? You need that to get by? Compact disks were the predominant form of music storage when you were born. There’s no nostalgia for you here, buddy.
Clay: I’m not your buddy, friend.
Chris: I’m not your guy, buddy.
Clay: *quietly sobbing* just give me a minute.
ONE MINUTE PASSES
Chris: Alright, so what did you think of the Dreamcast controller? Bruce wanted to put ketchup all over his. Or he wanted it to be a potato or something. I honestly can’t remember.
Clay: Oh this? *holds up Xbox original controller* I found it both intuitive and non-habit forming.
Chris: Right…but Clay, that’s not a Dreamcast controller.
Clay: Yes it is.
Chris: No, it’s not.
Clay: It can be whatever I want it to be.
Chris: Okay, so it’s a Dreamcast controller.
Clay: I know.
Chris: So you liked it?
Clay: I already told you. I fucking liked it.
Chris: Okay, you liked it. Let me ask, what upcoming game release are you most excited for?
Clay: SONIC ADVENTURE!
Chris: Oh, that’s a surprise. The game looks horrible.
Clay: I just love Sonic man. I can’t explain it. I have random urges to play Sonic 2 about once a month. On those days I sit in my room and play it from start to finish.
Chris: You mentioned to me earlier that once every few years your Sonic the Hedgehog urges overlap with your Sonic drive-in urges. How do you handle those days?
Clay: I sit in the parking lot playing Sonic 2 and shove corndogs down my throat until the urges go away.
Chris: You don’t get anything to drink?
Clay: Nah man, Sonic corndogs are all I need. They’re moist.
I hope this article will allow you to make an informed decision come September. Remember, you only get one chance to make the right choice!
Chris Sotraidis released an album over the summer that nobody listened to!
Listen to it here: demothenes.bandcamp.com/